Are we back here again

We were playing a board game (Balderdash) with the kids the other night and Ella asked ‘what does procrastinate mean?

‘Procrastinate means putting off doing something you’ve been meaning to do, or you are really meant to have done already, for no good reason that could possibly explain or excuse the delay.  Like when you’re supposed to be out in the backyard with the puppies, picking up truffles*, but instead you’re inside getting yourself a glass of milk?  That milk is no excuse for not being outside.  Truffles trumps milk.

I received a letter in the mail a couple of weeks ago, letting me know that my Trademark Application has progressed to the next phase.  That was supposed to give me a little forward momentum, enough to get going on the prototype of my design.  I bought some raw materials, then stuck them on a shelf somewhere and went to make myself a coffee.  Coffee trumps raw materials.

Over the weekend I talked to a few friends about my idea, and they all agreed it was good enough to pursue (thanks, girls).  And yet the raw material sits on a shelf, waiting for me to stop procrastinating.

Is it fear?  Fear that if I get this started I might hit one of those walls that has graffiti all over it – TRISH YOU ARE NOT SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW HOW TO FIGURE THIS OUT.  Fear that I’ll hit a wall and be completely crushed by the enormity of knowing that I don’t know how to get past it and that I won’t even know where to begin to try to find a solution?

Like… who do I get to manufacture this?  How do I find a distributor?  How do I set up PayPal on my website so I can sell it online?  What happens if nobody buys it?  What happens if I have a garage full of these things and nobody is buying them?  What about all the legal stuff?  The accounting side of the business?  Do I need a comprehensive business plan?  How am I going to fund this venture?  Where am I going to source the materials?  What if someone starts selling cheap knock-offs?  What if… How… When… ?

Yep, I reckon that’s it.

I’ve had a completely shit time of it, trying to find a career/vocation for myself that I’m really good at.  I’m pretty good at a lot of things, I know that, but none of them have ever resulted in what I had hoped to achieve by this age – career success.  On the one hand I’m really glad that I don’t have to work and that I can stay home with the kids and take care of them when they get home in the afternoon, that I don’t have to ship them off to school holiday programs or arrange for friends to bring them home from school or drive them to tennis… I get to do all that, and it’s awesome.  But a little part of me knows that a little part of the reason I’m so glad I don’t have to try to be a ‘career woman’ is that I tried to be a ‘career woman’, several times, and I failed miserably.

I truly, genuinely want to make a success of this project.  I see myself building up a company based on this initial product and then some additional products, and then selling them online to millions of people.  I can see this happening, I really can, I can see myself enjoying being successful. I just need to get past this great big graffiti wall that is telling me that even though I have a great idea, I don’t have what it takes to make it happen.  So there’s no point in trying, even.

How f*cked up is that?

I need to write a list.  Top Ten Reasons To Get Off My Arse Stop Doubting Myself And Make The Prototype And Become A Successful Business Woman:

1.  Set a good example for my girls.

2. Have my own income that allows me to go on trips overseas and not worry about how much this beer in Oslo is costing.

3.  Because this product I’m going to make will actually make life easier for a lot of people.

4.  So I can create an income stream for myself and PJ that will continue to flow well into our retirement.

5.  To prove to myself that I can do anything if I get off my arse and put my mind to it I believe in myself.

6.  So I have something to tell people when they ask me what I do.  I’ve never, ever had an answer to this question that I have felt 100% comfortable saying out loud.  H.F.U.I.T?

7.  So that I can feel challenged by all the steps that I will have to take in order to get this product made and online and distributed rather than just utterly overwhelmed and defeated before I’ve even taken the first one.

8.  Set a good example for my girls.

9.  Set a good example for my girls.

10.  Set a good example for my girls.

OK, I’m going to do this. I’m going to sit down with my raw materials and not get back up again until I have something resembling a decent attempt at my first draft.

As soon as I’ve made a coffee.

*my friend Brooke started calling our puppies’ pooh ‘truffles’ and the name has stuck.  I’m still giggling.

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