The girls had their school Fete on Saturday morning. It’s a big event in our little community, drawing people from surrounding suburbs as well as families of school kids. The White Elephant Stall and the Book Stall in the school Hall are both very popular, and on Saturday morning the place was absolutely packed. I’m talking 200 people.
So I’m in there with Ella, and she’s picking out baby clothes for the largest of her teddy-bears, and I’m holding the ever-growing pile of pink onesies when I become aware of a man standing very close to me on my left. I took a step away, and then turned to look at him but he’d vanished.
Next thing I know Ella’s asking me for some money to pay for her haul, and I reach into my handbag and discover my purse and my mobile phone are missing.
“They’re gone! My purse has been stolen!” I said to the lady behind the counter.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes! They were right there, and now they’re gone, and I think someone must have snatched them right out of my bag!” I remembered the man who had been sidling up to me, and I was immediately certain that he had taken them.
“SOMEONE HAS STOLEN MY PURSE RIGHT OUT OF MY BAG! EVERYBODY! HOLD ONTO YOUR HANDBAGS, THERE IS A PICKPOCKET IN THE HALL!”
If ever there was a moment for ALL CAPS, now is that moment. 200 people stopped what they were doing and looked at the hysterical woman over by Baby Clothes.
I gave the lady behind the counter the $5 note I had in my pocket, gathered up the pile of pink things and grabbed Ella and we rushed outside in search of PJ. Outside in the sunshine I recognised one of the organisers of the Fete, the man who usually has responsibility for the PA system and for welcoming the crowds and for announcing the next spin of the Chocolate Wheel and the bargains on the Plant Stall.
“John! John! Someone has stolen my purse, can you announce over the loud speaker that everyone needs to be on the lookout for a pickpocket!? And can you call our for my husband, his name is PJ, I need him to call and cancel my credit cards! Oh wait, I see him…” and off I went, Ella and pink onesies in tow.
He happily obliged. Everyone at the Fete suddenly knew that we had a criminal in our midst.
I found PJ over by the Coffee & Cake Stall, and I burst into tears and told him that someone had robbed me.
“Someone stole my purse! And my phone!”
“What?”
“Someone stole my purse right from out of my bag, it was over my shoulder, I was looking at baby clothes, and this guy came right up beside me and he must have reached in!” By now I was crying, upset at having been robbed and very upset at having lost my beautiful purse.
“The purse I bought you in Paris?”
“Yes! Yes! Someone took it!”
I had my hands full of Ella’s baby clothes and I handed them to her so I had both hands free to search in my bag. In there was my mobile phone.
“Oh, my phone is here, it’s still here.”
And then I looked amongst the pile of baby clothes, and there was my Paris purse.
Oh, shit.
PJ started laughing. Like, right away. I was still crying and not in the right frame of mind to see the funny side of it. I was still shaking. And now I was completely humiliated. What a f*cking performance, you’d think I’d lost one of my kids.
I really hate how easily Hysterical Trish is unleashed. Because when other stuff happens, like when my daughter falls off her bike? And gets an enormous stick shoved into her leg resulting in a splinter the size of my pinkie finger? I’m totally calm.
Half an hour later I was volunteering behind the Cake Stall, hoping nobody recognised me as the Hysterical Woman from the Hall. PJ came over and put an arm around me, apparently to steady himself whilst he continued to laugh, his shoulders shaking as he tried to suppress the giggles.
John the PA guy wandered past and I knew that if I didn’t tell him what had happened I would agonise about it for weeks. So I went up to him and apologised for my hysteria and told him everything was fine. He was so gracious.
24 hours later PJ made some crack about 200 people all looking straight at me and how that must have been really embarrassing, ha ha ha, and I told him I wasn’t ready to laugh about it just yet.
48 hours later and now I’m ready to laugh about it, simply because I don’t have the energy left to maintain this feeling of utter humiliation.
Sorry.
ROFLMAO.
Bwah ha ha ha!
You poor thing…
It has happened to the best of us – maybe not quite to the same extent but close…
I haven’t had a good laugh all day, thank you! I think we are just all glad it wasn’t us, because we know it could have been!
Look on the bright side. All 200 of them can’t possibly know you were wrong. And yes it is funny.
I have to join in with the giggles. Sorry, as one who humiliates herself quite regularly I really do feel for you.
So YOU’RE the cartoon woman in the post earlier??
hate that sudden drop-stomach feeling.
Oh, honey! Been there, done THAT. Though…maybe not in front of 200 people?
Yes but what was that mysterious man doing standing so close to you….that would have made me feel awfully suspicious as well.
Awesome. I’m glad I’m not the only one whose mouth works faster than his brain.
Ha ha. Last week I had everyone in the house searching for an expensive camera lens which I swore I left in the grass beside a river. After my mother told me to look in the bag again I said ‘It’s not in the bag I tell you!’ only to find a minute later that it was. On top of the other expensive camera lens.
Relief definitely outweighed humiliation, as the expensive SLR isn’t mine.
I’m sorry. I have tears of laughter right now.
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